“I Love You”

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The phrase “I love you” can create both positive and indifferent qualities, depending upon the emotion behind it. The term “I love you” is used nearly everywhere, and not always in a nice way. She says it, so he feels obligated to say it back, and if he doesn’t say it she feels rejected. Or when he says “you know I love you”, and the words and the look in his eyes tell two different stories. When we use the term loosely it begins to lose it’s luster.
Part of knowing how to provide a nurturing relationship is knowing when it’s the perfect time to say “I love you”. The best time is when the other person is doing, or saying something that nurtures and supports the gift that you are. When our actions are in alignment with our words, we come face to face with purpose. “And like a light kindled from a leaping spark, finds it’s way into the heart, and the world starts making sense”. This becomes god in action in you, because this gives the relationship / marriage shape.

* While he is taking out the garbage, shoveling the driveway, hauling firewood, fixing that squeaky door,  she says “I love you”, because she values that “can do”, “want to do” energy about him.
Or when he stops what he is doing, and gives her his undivided attention. Or he helps her to process through an emotional issue, without he himself engaging in emotion…
We only need to say it when we feel valued in that moment. By saying it every time, it loses that sparkle.
* While she is cooking an amazing meal, when he returns to a warm inviting home, knows his needs before he does, has the clarity and understanding to help him to navigate his emotional world…
This is apart of the action of sacred sex; giving purpose which sculptures the landscape of the wisdom that is performed.

Saying “I love you” can be a very powerful thing, especially when it’s said from the response of the action that produced it. You’re no longer just wondering through life, and trying to guess what your partner’s needs are. They are giving you direct feedback, and a great sense of what it is that they love about you. This in turn gives you direction and purpose. Providing grace and ease in an otherwise unpredictable environment.

My blessings to you…

Notes:
* Sometimes explaining what an “I love you” means can be helpful as well, because what it means to you, and how they may be perceiving it maybe two very different things. Especially in the beginning of relationships where you’re getting to know each other.

Being in Tune with Your Partner

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Everyone has something that they put themselves into, a passion, a hobby, a career… Being in-tune with our partner is knowing what they need to thrive, and supporting them in making that happen. This makes you the most wanted person on the planet. However this has to be equal on both sides; if (she) is supporting his career then he needs to at the same time support something for her that has her feeling equally inspired. When there is equal support being expressed, there is a lot less resentment. This practice is consistently on going, and like good wine it gets better with time. This pours into all forms of life; personal, sex, family, home, friends, financial, spiritual practice…
She loves to tend plants, so I build flowerbeds. She processes some of her life through color. So she picks out the color, and I paint the room. And when she crashes emotionally, she knows the consistency of my gentle strength is there for her support. Happy partner, thriving relationship. Being in tune with your partner is knowing when you need to completely stop what you’re doing, and give them your undivided attention. Helping her to process by supporting her to be the best she can be, in her language, and at her speed. He knows she knows what she needs, he doesn’t have to guess. It helps him that she is able to ask directly for what it is that she needs, and not have that need hidden obscurely in some unrelated conversation. She has his attention while asking for that need so he can hear it well enough to repeat it. By repeating it out loud he will better remember it.
What women need most is for men to be present; giving her his intimate attention, and not because he wants sex. Because he also wants “that” from her.
For her: he will slow down, step out of his comfort zone, and actually listen to who she is and how she is. The feminine loves to process out her issues by talking it through. So by listening well enough, he can begin to understand the difference between when it is that she needs him to fix a problem, and when to just be present. Being present is giving her your full undivided attention without trying to “fix” anything; it’s non-active yet she has your full attention for her emotional needs, even if it’s just to listen. So this means turning off the TV, turning off anything that may distract you from whatever her needs are.
For him: she will step outside of her comfort zone, and to reassure and guide him through his own emotional mind field. The masculine tends to be private, and off by himself with his emotions. So by listening to his silence, she can better support his need for emotional clarity.
Men tend to be loud, even though he seeks quiet and solitude, he uses non-verbal communication. Women are very quiet, even though she seeks company and likes to chatter, she tends to keep things secretively to herself. For a meaningful and enriched relationship they will both want to learn to step outside of their comfort zones, then use their face to face words in gently describing what they need. It’s the quality of relating that needs practice. Daring to express with clarity and depth.
Intimately knowing her love language, the culture she’s accustom with, the family dynamics she grew up in, what her personal growth curve is, her spiritual goals, and out of all that learning what “she values from me” different from what “I think she needs”. Then being supportive in that field.
The instincts of women is that they are information gathers, and supreme nurtures, and that’s what makes them so valuable to men. The same would be said for men: beyond his protection he also provides the space and vehicle for her creativity. The more he knows about her, and is consistently attentive to her needs, the more valuable he becomes as a mate to her.

It’s equally important to study their shadow side, to be clear that it’s something you can live with. Knowing how they deal with anger, and more importantly how they deal with you while angry? What are they’re trigger points, and how angry is angry? Do they blame, or do they take responsibility for their own direction?

My blessings to you…

Notes:
Be mindful of your own sense of personal boundaries. Give as much as you’re willing to give, or the resentment will shred what you’re trying to build. Follow the happiness of what you’re providing. Pace yourself, we’re not building Rome in a day. A little goes a long ways. However be very mindful of the Plans and Promises that are spoken of.
Remember: this needs to be consistent all the way through your relationship. The quality of what you did to win (her) heart in the beginning of your relationship, needs to be consistent all the way through to the end. When she says “I do”, it keeps going. When you stop, the relationship and her trust begins to unravel. Women need this support all the way through their lives for a healthy relationship, just like how the masculine needs physical and emotional attention all the way through his life.
Cheating mostly comes from not being consistent all the way through. Somehow there is a belief that once they say “I do” the work is over. So if it is “work” to you, it would be wise to think very carefully before saying “I do”. Because as she is walking out the door with everything you own, that is the consequence of being inconsistent. So know yourself, and know them.
Know their love-language, because if he speaks a different language than what she needs to experience, she won’t get her needs met. The love-language that your partner needs, needs to be something that’s easy for you to give. This is part of “do we match”? And if not, then it’s necessary to find a balanced way of receiving that need through another avenue. This is always done through communication with your partner, so they are in on the discussion, and part of the decision.
The love-languages are:
words of affirmation, (affection)
physical touch,
acts of service,
quality time,
and gifts.

When choosing to open the door to a new relationship, it helps greatly to be mindful of the first intention set for that union. He wants a sex partner, she wants a traveling partner, he’s looking forward to the spiritual clarity, she wants to start a family, and so on. It’s that initial thought behind the reason for starting a new relationship that gives such power to it’s influence.
If you are in an established relationship, and you want to change it’s flavor and direction. To do so the both of you will need to sit together, and come up with a “mission statement” or “quality of life statement” that better matches this next faze of your (hers and his) life.

Part of what makes each relationship different has a lot to do with the mixing of his and her karmic life lessons.
If she has challenges with the flow of her abundance, and he has issues with people taking advantage of his good will. That combined relationship may feel heavier if you let those issues push you around. Having the perspective of pushing through those karmic issues; those challenging moments, and not allowing them to slow you down. Then your combined karmic life will move with greater ease.
Can a Karmic Relationship Work?

In Marriage, What Are We Looking For?

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021What draws us together and has us fall in love with a person? In observing my fellow bloggers, I see the attraction being very sexual. Then I watch them trying to carve out a practical, functioning relationship that is based on hot, steamy sexuality. What makes a relationship work is temperament in personality, and something that is nearly ignored because the sex is so great. Sex is the bonus and should be the last thing on the list when looking for a quality life-mate. More importantly what we need to experience with our mate, before we say “I do”, is their disagreeable side. Everyone has one, and it’s so important to have a strong grasp on whether or not that is something you can handle for a lifetime.
* How they deal with anger, and more importantly, how they “deal with you” while angry.
* With the conflict: are they responsible with their own emotional reactions by practicing boundaries, or do they insist that it’s all your fault for their unhappiness.
* In the area of sex, some people have a very crude understanding of the sensitivities that need to be shared in sexuality.
* Marriage in the 18 and 1900’s made complete sense, simply because things moved at a slower pace, and it took us a lifetime to process through our emotional issues with our partner. Today, things move so much faster, we process through our emotional issues so much more quickly. Staying in a marriage requires us to have eyes wide open, to build our communicative skills, and to learn as much or more about ourselves then we do about our partner. These are a few of the responses you want to experience before marriage.
* Relationships have a modal that they follow: first is the lustful romance; pure chemistry, hot and steamy yet extremely fragile, and designed to pull you both together. Then that shifts into partnership, where 78% of the chemistry fades, and honest love shines it’s radiance. And for some, in our latter years companionship shows it’s true colors. Then there is spiritual love, which about one percent of the worlds population will experience.
An amazing amount of people get married before the relationship has a chance to shift into partnership [up to 9 months], because when it does the intensity really changes; really softens those edges. If you’re someone who loves change, then this will be fun for you.
Very few people have the Will of heart to see beyond love, beyond sex, to see if and where a relationship is sturdy. If it’s not working, then simply bless them and let them go, and continue the search for the right one. Asking the right questions, patiently waiting for the response, and having the courage to only say “yes” to the one that passes the grade.
Every single relation/connection with people has an alignment: if your angry with the world, your alignment with this person is one in which they will mirror to you what needs to be healed. If you fall in love with someone in which “you feel” is not quite right and you do it anyway, the connection will show you why it’s so important to give attention to your intuition/gut feeling/inner voice. Alignment made manifest, and so it is.
A healthy and meaningful marriage today requires eyes wide open. This is not just a concept in one’s mind, this is seeing them act it out. If (he) does not shift his awareness, and curb his actions to match your needs, then it may not be in him to do so. Having eyes wide open means less will take you by surprise.

May your search be swift and true.
Blessings…

Related posts: Relationships, Plans and Promises, Light Bulb, Passions of the Heart, Sexual Energy and Spiritual Energy, Table of Contents, Ego-less Relationship

Table of Contents

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June 2014 004When we think of starting a new relationship, what is it that we want to create? Most people will seek out beauty, then hope they want what we want, as in the game of roulette.
Who are we, and what is the uniqueness that we bring to the table? Instead of looking for something wonderful in someone else, look first at yourself for what it is that you bring to the table of this relationship. Because in that moment in-between relationships, is a good time to redefine and fine-tune that magical essence you are. Beauty doesn’t last for ever, so in looking deeper for something you have that is an asset for relationships. This may also be something your friends can help you with, because sometimes it helps to have another set of eyes outside of your bubble, looking in to see what is hidden. This talent needs to be something you already have, because becoming something you’re not creates great mistrust when the truth comes out.
Take time in-between relationships and heal the wounds of the past. So we don’t drag preconceived notions into a new relationship. Know who you are, be the light you’re cultivating. Know what you bring and look for someone who complements you; your weaknesses are his strengths and his weaknesses are your strengths. Do what you can to not be reactive, and instead be active in your search for a quality partnership.
When “quality of heart” is more pronounced than looks, your true authentic self-will have more space to shine, be seen and validated.

My blessings to you…

Men Be Aware…

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038For every man that has promised the sun and moon, and has delivered nothing has been loosing ground in his relationship. Always follow through on things that have been planed or promised… a woman’s greatest pet-peeve, and from this she has the memory of an elephant.
Blessings…

The Cave of Darkness

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When a person has cheated on their lover without permission, and is feeling the shame, guilt and grief by it all. When (he) chooses to confess to her, he is pulling her into the cave of shame and darkness with him, instead of coming out into the light with her. Anytime this level of pain is shared with the other involved, it does nothing and creates more grief (it’s when guilt is shared with someone who’s unaware of it). It is the darkest side of the ego to want to share the deepest shame and guilt with another person, in such a way that they feel it with you. Confessing such darkness creates such darkness.
By stepping out into the light he finds his way out of this mess by having the actions of: “what can I do with her today that is positively different from yesterday… Everyday”? And forgiveness of oneself for stepping out of line… Forgiveness without judgement. Confession happens with God and God alone.
And if you must tell someone, that someone must remain a complete stranger to everyone within his and her circle of friends.

Blessings…

* The lightness you feel by telling (her) is the shameful weight you have past onto her, so she feels it for you, and complete irresponsibility on your part! Telling her just dumps it all in her lap, when it’s not hers to process. This is your burden; your cross to bare. In telling her, you’re incapable of manning-up and setting her free. So in telling her you know she will do it for you. So as she walks out with everything you own, that is the price you pay for not manning-up and setting her free before you cheat.
* Another reason for (him) to tell her is to bring her down and bring himself up so they are now eye to eye. Because being eye to eye means that they are now connecting again, no matter how dysfunctional it is. Choosing a more balanced response in the heat of the moment requires responsibility with focus and attention. Discovering other more positive ways in responding is time well spent. This inner work of changing behavioral patterns shortens the journey to harmony.
* Everything we do first starts in the mind, then it becomes an action.
* Cheating happens from those who have very little communication skills. And if cheating happens with this person, it will be easy to repeat it with the next person.
* It’s okay to admit that you are not marriage or commitment material. Honesty to yourself, then honesty to your lover.

* If you strongly suspect it to be true, then it must be“. Intuition comes from the loving direction of spiritual truth.
* Honesty shouldn’t wait til after the fact, honesty is best expressed before mistakes. Keeping that line of communication open, and trusting in talking about the things that are difficult.
* In truth, when a person has cheated even to the smallest degree, it’s a sign that your relationship is not forever, and to stay in it beyond what’s comfortable would be destructive. Continue on Relationships.
* Cheating creates a ton of karma; spiritual dept. The Karmic Path

Navigating an Archetype

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June 2014 014An archetype is a concept that has been created from the majority of the collective consciousness of humanity, that common thread in the belief systems in the collective minds of everyone on the planet, and there are hundreds of archetypes that are woven into the tapestry of our lives. Navigating them requires us to have our eyes open, to be conscious of the steps to be taken.

I can not get married again, simply because I found the archetype of marriage to not be my cup of tea, and far more powerful than I thought once I crossed that threshold.

An archetype may not always be gentle or kind, and to change one means the majority of humanity will need to shift in its thinking… in your favor. Some folks like the traditional roles, and need that governing guidance. While more and more are seeking a new path, a need to rewrite the books for a new time in earth’s history.
Blessings…

Trust, where has it gone?

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chris and 4 wheelerAs I observe friends and fellow bloggers processing through relationships, I discover a key ingredient is often unnoticed or overlooked. Trust. Because trust is a core ingredient it bleeds into everything else, and shows up in just about every personal comment we make to each other. For every relationship that says “he’s only allowed to have guy friends outside the relationship”, and “she’s only allowed to have girl friends outside the relationship, or your new lover forbids you to continue to remain friends with your ex”, is a relationship without trust. Not only that, it’s a relationship that dictates ownership, which in itself is a statement of mistrust. And the saddest part of this, is it’s a world-wide standard. I for one, have been in a relationship that does not reflect these issues, and it’s become my new standard.

Understanding ego and it’s dysfunctional behavior, then how to slow it down, gives us room to breathe and explore love in its higher forms.
Unconditional love is an ingredient that is understood conceptually and through the intellectual mind. VERY few people understand it well enough to practice it. Unconditional love is eternal trust in action. It starts with the Self… that trust inside you. When you create something this wonderful inside you, you want to protect it. So you say “only those who will help me protect this will be allowed to come in close”. This becomes a standard and a personal boundary. If we are in relationship or married to “the one”, why do we allow them to cross that line? When did we lose trust in ourselves bad enough to allow them to cross over and abuse us like that, this creates mistrust again and again? This comes from lack of, or bad boundaries. It’s not about them, they are a mirror of where we are with our standard… our personal boundary, and our trust issues. When (he) says “You are the reason I feel bad”, they are really talking about themselves. When he says “if you love me you’ll change”, and denies their responsibility in it, they are really talking about their own need for change. Actions also speaks very loud, and gives us a visual demonstration of where they are, and the choices they’ve made. If communication is ignored, then one has misplaced their trust, and it is up to that person to find it, or chance loosing what they have. Relating to a spouse as “the old ball and chain”, or anything of the sort, is another place where trust is diminished.
The feminine needs an emotional support and connection for balance / trust, the masculine needs a physical connection for balance / trust.
Blessings…

Do you truly want to know what makes a Relationship work?

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This is an exercise for both involved. Take time to understand what the Ego is, and just how it interacts in your life. The Spirit is the polar opposite of the Ego, and learn how That interacts in your life. The ego is not something we can turn off like a switch, for it is a huge part of our human experience, so we learn to tone it down. On my page “Boundaries and Personal Power” I explain the ego and spirit, and its crazy interactions with us.

The number One thing that makes all relationships work is “to know yourself”. Because how can you give when you don’t understand. If I want different results in myself or in a relationship, I know I have to be different to get something different. I can’t behave the same way and get different results. So show up, pay attention, be present in the lessons of life, and learn how you are by who you are. Pay attention to what you do different from what you say, and the truth will set you free.
It’s all so true that we each have a responsibility in keeping our eye on the ball, for without focus the relationship can drift, and come unraveled.
Communication: if we can’t talk about the tough issues that push our buttons, then it’s going to come unraveled.
He is responsible for his emotional ego, and she is responsible for her emotional ego. Take your eye off your own ego’s issues and put it on your partners issues, and the relationship begins to unravel. The care and welfare of your partner, (by consequences of your actions) is your concern. This is what I like to call “the dance”, knowing what part is your responsibility and what isn’t.
* If I have issues with the laundry not being done, that is my issue.
* If I have issues with my partner not calling to check in, that is my issue.
* If I have issues with a party going on when I have to get up early, that is my issue.
Remove my dysfunctional ego, and I will always find the grace in relationships. Ego will disrupt a relationship each and every time. Having realistic, healthy boundaries will clear up ego’s shenanigans. However, if I change myself as far as I’m willing to go, and the conflict is still unsettled. Then I can choose to remove myself from that person and or situation, and at that point if they still want me in their relationship, they can change. Any time we say “I” have issues, than that issue belongs to “I”. Only you can know what it is that “you” need moment by moment. Only you know what “you” need to be happy, everyone else is just guessing.
All resentments are red flags for us to re-examine our boundaries with our partners. Resentments tell us that we have gone too far, as in “I’ve given too much of myself”, and I need to either slow down or step back.
YES, relationships take work! If you think you know your partners rhythms, remember, everything is subject to change.
Find contentment in yourself, for all those places where your partner has their own dysfunctions. If they have a dysfunction around something, and they have always been behaving in such a way, why do you expect them to change? So find contentment or step out.
If you both fight and argue more than 50% of the time, then you need to reconsider why your in this relationship.
Before marriage, take time to observe how your partner deals with anger, and more importantly how they deal with you while angry. 98% of all young marriages that fail do so because they haven’t learned how to navigate emotions yet. That all comes into alignment in the late 20’s and early 30’s.
I know this is just the tip of it all, however, in my observations of all those around me, including my fellow bloggers, this can give solid stepping stones to follow. Relationships have been a focus for me all my life, and for me, this is common sense.
Continue on the ego-less relationship.

May loves bountiful bliss, be along the path you follow.

Out of darkness with relationships

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Since 14 I have diligently sought out information on relationships and the balance of. I have gone to workshops, seminars, read one book after another, and quietly listened to the heart. A strong desire to understand relationships with women and my part in it. 4 years ago I came across the guru of relationships, Allison Armstrong and her amazing understanding of relationships between men and women. Then for me all the pieces came flowing together. She has a wide range of books and audio CD’s, that will take a simple understanding, and turn it into an enlightened perception. “In sync with the opposite sex”, by Alison Armstrong understandmen.com

May love’s understanding be bountiful along the path you follow…

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