Ego-less Relationship


Spring 2014 001
Practicing boundaries with anyone, will show you in a very short time, if and where a relationship / partnership is sturdy, and what the two of you truly have in common as in personal values. The intensity of the union in romantic love, gives little room to find and act from your separate self. We give up our trust and look to them to make us happy, then we become lost in the other person all so easily. Or to become enmeshed in the other person; moving as one.
Healthy boundaries creates room to breath, enough-so to allow your own individual passions and interests separate from them to flourish. By removing the ego, we find a love for our partner that has soft edges. As in wanting to do special things with this person because they’re fun, and not “needing” them to complete us.

Relationship is to romance, as partnership is to companionship. Romance has a shelf-life, and that life may last up to two years or until you finally let your guard down, then it all matures into partnership. A lot of changes happen during that shift. Our chemistry quiets and softens, and the authentic self comes out to shine. The practice of the ego-less relationship creates incredible meaning and depth, however for it to do so we must show up, pay attention and participate.

When confronted with an issue men have a tendency to pound it into the ground, and women have a tendency to be submissive. Neither one is being emotionally responsible.
Mature responsibility comes from your inner conviction or integrity; where you state your direction in a “matter of fact” manner. There’s no need to be aggressive or submissive, it’s an action, and not a reaction from an opinion. Your acting from your inner declaration, which is independent from anyone outside of yourself.

Following our own happiness/excitement while practicing the ego-less relationship transforms our awareness, gives our life more permission to want to remove the dysfunctional ego, which in itself clears our perceptions. By being realistic about who’s in control of our happiness, and keeping our ego in check we’re not getting lost in the other person. So the other person is not responsible for making us happy, we are, and when we follow and stay in control of our own happiness, then our life is empowered. We’re following our own happiness and our lover is along for the fun, as we are for them. If at any time we step into and be apart of the decision of another person or our lover (just because you’re now lovers, doesn’t mean you stop thinking for yourself), we ask ourselves “does this inspire and energize me”? A simple yes or no, and by following that “yes” we surround ourselves with empowerment, which fills our self-love tank, and that keeps us clear of drama! For this to work for us, we have to show up and pay attention, and truly be honest to ourselves as we hold “that” which keeps ourselves in balance.

The ego-less relationship is one in which you have become aware of the incredible drama, that an unbalanced ego can create. As we pull away from the dysfunctional ego, we find support in the nurturing of the wholeness with one’s self. Taking time to learn what a dark ego looks like, then what wholeness looks like, is time well spent (ego is described in detail on the page Boundaries and Personal Power). Because there’s no space like free space in a drama-free relationship. Each person’s sense of “wholeness” is different from the next. It’s that inner feeling of completion, where the inner balance is fed by self-awareness / self-love / self-loyalty, and we no longer need another person to fill that void. Spirit/God connection is another place that can fill that void better than a person can, because there’s not all that failed expectations, and drama around conditions of love.
Unfortunately most people don’t understand what balance without drama even looks like, because drama is such a natural way of relating for them.
Drama: is attaching emotional story to any situation. Pointing fingers, as in “he said… she said…”. An excuse is a story. Or what the other person is not doing “right”, is a story.
Without drama: the past is gone and the future’s not here yet. All that’s worth living for, happens right now, and the only person in control of that moment is you.
* Ego is you jumping into my face about issues you want me to change, when in fact the only thing you have control over is “you”.

The ego is apart of the Self; very much apart of the physical experience. When the human body dies, the ego stays with the body. Because the ego is the personality of the mind, in the same sense that your heart’s character is the personality of your Spirit.
The ego and the heart both want to be in control of the body, and the ego will manipulate your feelings to do so. The ego and the heart cannot control the body at the same time, you have to consciously choose who is going to run the show. The one you give the most attention to-love or fear, is the one that unfolds the circumstances of your life.
Ego is not something we can turn off completely, we can however learn how to tone it down, and this is done by turning and facing it. “I see you and understand you. I have received and learned the lessons from you, but I am done now. You are no longer in control of this body. I release you now”. Then open the heart to yourself, and learn how to think and process life through the heart center. The lessons of the heart may start with self-love, however over-all it teaches self-value. How wonderful you are, and that you deserve…
With your finger: draw a lite center line across the skin from the top of the rib cage to the bottom of the rib cage, and where you feel the most sensitive is where your heart chakra is. Sometimes putting a small piece of tape on that location will draw your attention to that location when doing heart meditations, or when you want to shift the thinking to the heart instead of the mind.

When looking at this for the first time we think it’s completely crazy! “At what point does the other person take responsibility for what hurts me”?! Anything that hurts me: “This is a boundary of mine, please don’t do that again”. If it continues, you give them space, and you let them know your giving them space by consequences of your happiness. If telling them is not enough, then more space is given. Even if you end up moving out of the house. It’s not about you teaching them to be responsible for their own emotions, it’s about you following your own happiness. Otherwise you become their emotional doormat and babysitter. [If someone says they’re going to change for you, that is not possible. It takes a huge amount of energy to hold the line of change for someone else, and we tend to change back to our old self easily and effortlessly because it is for someone else. It takes little to no effort when changing for yourself.]
This also goes both ways as you are responsible for your emotions, by which they are to theirs. Your emotions came from you, you created them, and through responsibility you get to decide what to do with them. If you have a “feeling” that the world is out to get you, it is still “your” feeling, your creation, and your opportunity for change. “This is what I mean by inner work”.
“The healing power of positive thoughts, stimulates motivating words, sprouts persistent actions, and therefore creates the amazing environment around you”.

Living with ego is addictive, because it’s very easy to point fingers and say “you’re the reason why my life is a living hell”!!! To point fingers is instant emotional gratification. However this does not build trust, it shreds it, and the relationship begins to unravel. Your partner is no longer someone you share love with, they’re someone you share complaints with, and the fun goes right out the window!
If I want different results in myself or in a relationship, I know I have to be different to get something different. I can’t behave the same way and get different results.
Looking at this with eyes wide open is time well spent. [The same goes for running a business.]

When we’re dumping our hurt feelings on someone, because we’re in denial of our own responsibility for our own feelings. All this comes because we have dropped our guard and our boundaries, and from this have given up our power. By taking back our power and our responsibility for these feelings, we discover that our lives go back to a form that brings us meaning and depth.
Anger, resentment, guilt, shame… Come because we have crossed a boundary in ourselves that should have been there to protect us. Now we can choose to either dump those feelings on them, and chance losing them. Or own those feelings, and take a little time to understand why we’re having those feelings. Then heal that place, and create a boundary so this doesn’t happen again.
Choosing this path, and acting from healthy boundaries restructures the relationship a bit. Because now we have to act from real honesty, as in being verbally clear about what our needs are, and not just guessing what that grunt means.
When we discover that our own fear and hurt IS our own creation, then the relationship with the other person changes. Because self-discipline on personal issues is what gives depth to the relationship. It’s self-discipline in the beginning, and turns into self-acceptance with this practice.

Acting out control is a fear response, and many haven’t quite learned the difference between that and boundaries. Control is something that I do to another person outside of myself. A boundary is something that comes from my inner conviction, as a way of protecting myself from the ill will of others. A boundary may or may not be something that is spoken out loud. Most of the time it’s simply something we act out without discussing it with the other person. It becomes apart of the character of our integrity.

The ego-less relationship is one of transparency; nothing is hidden, nothing is secret, and their business becomes your concern. The only thing you may keep to yourself is your inner relationship with (God); prayer and the way in which you pull in ($) abundance into your life.
Hiding daily details from our partner has a tendency to breakdown trust and creates walls of anxiety and dread. The ego-less relationship shatters all those walls, and the empowerment of transparency shines through. Honesty has to be open; honest actions, different from telling them every single little detail about one’s life. It’s when honesty partners with loyalty; it’s more in “the action of it” than in the word of it. As in, “from this moment forward my actions with her will reflect the integrity I am”. If I tell you I’m having a good day when I’m really not, then it’s my discretion, and not a lie. Different from the action of being considerate about all your coming’s and going’s, which creates strong bonds. Or having the courage to work through with them what hurts. This level of transparency gives permission for love to penetrate all corners of this relationship.
Sharing the details of cheating with our partner is where we have crossed a line into too much sharing. Confessing such darkness creates such darkness. The Cave of Darkness

* When we are sharing or talking to our partner about what hurts us, we have to be coming from the place of ourselves. We cannot be pointing our fingers at them; we cannot be yelling about what they are doing wrong! Instead, “I” discuss what it is that I am feeling, and there for I’m discovering more of what my needs are. So I’m changing myself, clearly staying on my own side of the street, and asking myself what it is that “I” can do to bring peace and balance to this situation? Or what do I need to do to protect myself if this happens again? It’s my feelings; my need for change, and my opportunity for growth. My partner is simply here as a mirror to reflect back to me “what line my healing needs to follow”.

* The ego-less relationship puts us in the driver’s seat, so-much-so that we become completely comfortable in being responsible for the direction and well-being of our own life, love, financial wealth, and emotional freedoms. We find joy in the responsibility because for the first time we are experiencing an emotional freedom with another person.
* Our responsibility extends well into every emotional reaction that can possibly be thought of, or even something that happens to you by the consequences of what another person is doing. It’s your responsibility to pick and choose your interactions with others, or your level of involvement-how much of your precious attention you give. If someone is mistreating you, it’s your responsibility to state a boundary, or step away from them. Because only you know how much you can handle. Stepping away from them is a way of announcing a physical boundary. It’s not important to always say out loud your boundaries, instead you can keep them to yourself, and just act them out.
* When you have an emotional reaction towards someone or a situation, and you process those emotions on your own through exercise, or an unemotional activity. Then you don’t engage in the drama with your partner, while stumbling through in trying to navigate your own happiness. (Boundaries and Personal Power, the section on Processing)
Say (he) is yelling at you about what you did that made him angry, he is talking about his anger, and because he’s not being responsible with his emotions he’s dumping it on you. Truth is, all that stuff is his. Out of many, he chose “this” response. So you have a choice to either take on what they are dumping, or simply create a boundary for them to process somewhere else other than on you. This keeps the relationship clean of all ego distortions. If you are blaming the other person for your unhappiness, either change your ways or chance loosing what you have. Instead of blaming the other person for our unhappiness, we take ownership of those feelings, and therefore what is expressed to our partner is always clean.

If we took time at the end of the day to process all the feelings, of all the experiences of the day’s events, without dumping it on each other, we would have a much better sleep. A bad night’s sleep happens simply because the subconscious is processing all of the day’s emotions in the dreamscape, and sometimes those wild emotions can keep us awake. A 20 minute walk will clear out of the body an entire day of stress, while disconnecting from story, so walk it off, and as you do so let go of that story. So by getting to the end of that walk you feel clear and refreshed. Everyone especially teenagers need a daily event of physical activity.
“I had a woodpile to get me through my emotions. Cut, spit and stacked 14 cord of firewood a year, and that got me through the emotional chaos of high school”.   

* Friends are here to help with the processing of life’s emotions, or we process while exercising, yoga or meditation. Anything that feeds our quality of life that doesn’t require another person or too much heavy thinking is a healthy avenue for processing.
When processing life: our lover is not an emotional dumping ground. Your partner maybe there to hold the metaphysical garbage bucket for you to dump the day’s stress into, they are however, not there to become the bucket (it’s one thing to hold the bucket they are throwing-up into, and another for them to throw-up on you). Those charged emotions are dealt with someplace else other than face to face with them. If for some reason we can’t get past an issue with somebody or any given situation, then we go off by ourselves for a walk or anything that keeps the mind idle and the hands busy. Then give that person or situation a little space so we can process through it, and come back to clarity. Processing back to clarity effectively happens mostly through the subconscious mind. To do this it helps to turn off the emotional story; disconnect from the story, and stay connected to feelings. When we mentally turn off the story, we also mentally tone down the ego, because story is the ego’s emotional justification, and or judgemental dumping ground.
That’s why we “walk it off”, or any activity that gives that emotion a constructive instead of destructive expression. This direction really does keep the relationship clean.
If you need help in understanding an approach to a situation, it’s appropriate to talk about it, without emotion. As in talking about the facts about how “you feel”, different from what the other person is doing or not doing. Talk about the situation from your side and ask “what can I do today that is positively different from yesterday”. The moment emotion comes into it, it becomes an emotional dumping ground, and that is drama and very destructive on relationships. By taking drama out of a relationship, what is naturally replaced, is support that comes from your god-self instead of your ego-self.

Self-love is enriched by the ownership of the clarity in understanding that your bad feelings about someone else are still your feelings, and therefore your responsibility to control. They don’t do it to you. You allow it to happen to yourself. The art of boundaries allows a person to create a protective shield around one’s self, that gives the other person space for expressing themselves without it effecting you. Your self-love tank becomes full with self-worth, and “that” is what keeps you from being emotionally effected by others. This boundary is a statement that you make to yourself: if someone is mistreating you, this inner need; this emotional boundary, this physical boundary… Is created by you to protect yourself from the ill will of others.

All your feelings belong to you, they are your responsibility to manage, and all his feelings belong to him. A boundary is created to protect yourself from the ill will of others. If he is angry with you and dumping his ill will on you, you create a boundary that says “stop, you go deal with those feelings through a different avenue than through me”. Even if you were wrong, he doesn’t have the right to dump on you. He is upset about something you did, and it is up to him to create a boundary so that doesn’t happen to him again. Besides, if he is making demands upon you, it is really his need for change within himself that needs action, and in his emotional discharge (anger) he is not able to see this in himself. Again this is all because it’s so easy to dump our emotional discord on someone else than it is to be responsible.
Through this process we either end the relationship or we look closely at the ego, and learn to park our pride. When choosing to own and manage our dysfunctional ego, we open the door to the trust of transparency and the ego-less relationship begins.
We find that when we spend more time in the focus of being responsible with our emotions, and acting out of love instead of anger we discover just how much energy it takes to stay angry. Love is our natural state of being, and it’s what keeps us young. Ego’s anger, aggression, fear, regret, shame, guilt… All this makes us age faster.

The action of boundaries pulls up our shields; our emotional shields that keeps out the angry and emotionally dysfunctional issues of others. This action of holding this space is the personal power that we experience as part of the action of boundaries. This action grants us the ability to stand steady while someone like our partner crashes emotionally, and we don’t fall with them. Then we are in a better place to process our way into resolve more quickly.

This kind of communication only works if the both of you play together, because if this practice is one sided the both of you will grow apart very quickly. An ego-less relationship requires a willingness for inner growth, along with a persistence for follow-through. And the rewards are very liberating and have everything to do with living in empowerment. Because by empowering yourself, you also empower your partner with the same enthusiasm, and life affirming affirmations.
In stripping away the responses of the ego, we rekindle an expressive connection with the heart. The qualities of this freedom will be slightly different for each person, and the quality of relationship you choose to lead. Making the defining edges of the relationship fuzzy, because trust becomes automatic. Where love and trust become so entwined that we can’t tell them apart.

Most relationships operate with love through love, which becomes almost unbearably sweet, and it’s loaded with conditions. An ego-less relationship operates with love through trust, where trust becomes the pivot point. When trust becomes automatic, then there’s no jealously, and no withholding in anticipation of something falling apart. Then the relationship supports an environment where it’s safe for expressing vulnerability. And because of trust, love now has space to breathe, and room for deeper expressions.
The ego-less relationship and spiritual love are one in the same thing. Spiritual love is a breath of fresh air, we step into the relationship because it feels right, true and important. Not at all like that uncontrollable hot and steamy attraction felt in high school. And if for any reason we need to change course with that person, we thank them for the adventure and move on to the next. There’s not all that drama in the separation of parting ways, because spiritual love really doesn’t experience separation. Parting ways is a gratitude for the experience, lessons and adventure of time well spent. (Besides, our high school definition of love is one in which “I will back you up even if you where the one who messed up. True love will not enable you to stay stuck, true love will hold your balls to the fire, and will insist on healthy change.)
When expressing spiritual love to everyone, then people like your Ex is someone you remain friends with, because we can continue to see the value beyond what doesn’t work. And the same goes for a failed proposal. If he stays with her beyond a failed proposal, he is well on his way to understanding the ego-less relationship.
The quality of communication with a couple who practice the ego-less relationship is very transparent, creating no loopholes for miss-communications. It naturally removes 98% of the emotional pain that drama drags into relationships. Because healing your past hurt is your responsibility, and not theirs.

If we start boundaries part way into a relationship, it helps to have a good foundation of trust and communication, because the dynamics of the relationship are about to change. (When we are young we are more flexible to change behavioral patterns. Because (if we’re not in the healing process) when we get older we tend to allow hurt to harden our edges.)When (he) is use to having the final decision for the family’s direction, it will be quite a change for him to shift into a co-created relationship. Sharing that control may bring up all sorts of push-me pull-you’s in the dynamics of an established relationship, especially in a relationship where one is more dominate than the other. So tread softly, work into it slowly, persistently talking about your needs, and what brings you happiness.
It’s not the fault of anyone for wanting more. Disrupting the dynamics of an established relationship every now and again is a good thing. For it keeps the relationship from going stale, and getting lost in those routines. It reminds us that relationships without trust are rigid, and ones with trust are very fluid and transforming.

Most people live on the edge of trust. As in using the word “trust”, without  fully understanding what it’s like to actually do it. When we express jealousy, we are showing to the world that we don’t trust, and how fragile our love really is. How many people do you know who talk about trust-and express jealousy? Trust is the backbone in an ego-less relationship; it’s the keystone that holds it all together. Jealousy is a red flag telling us that they don’t fully understand how to remove ego’s (fear) control, and replace it with trust.

When something comes to us easily and effortlessly, then we’re in alignment for it. Or if we’re fighting for that connection, then we’re out of alignment with it. Misalignment should be a Red Flag as to the appropriate timing of something, or simply a step in the wrong direction.
So when a person takes the time to understand what a dysfunctional ego looks like through the practice of boundaries, and the patience to come into that alignment. This person will then gain a better insight into who they are, and therefor the more they’ll know what partner will fit them better. We gain the clarity of eyes that see and a mind that understands, and from that a standard is born. By which our reactions with others have more meaningful depth, “it’s no longer just because they’re cute”.
* Understanding alignment, and how it feels when it’s correct will teach us volumes about living in empowerment. Most people don’t wait for that alignment to come into play, they just pounce on an idea. It’s when we have that sense of timing, does that alignment pay off in such a way that is golden; in other words it will not need to be fixed, for it will not break. When pouncing on an idea before it’s time, we find we often have to go back and re-tune it. So by waiting for the alignment where all the pieces all come together smoothly, then there’s nothing to fix.

The ego-less relationship brightens the path by reminding us of what it is that we are bringing to the table in this relationship. It becomes the depth and breath of our own presence, and from that we find something deeper like the ability to hear, and understand what one’s partner’s needs are moment by moment to grow and blossom, without loosing that sense of our own self. It becomes a win-win. “This is the path less traveled”.

© Christopher Snell and Earth Connections. Beyond the share links listed below, unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Christopher Snell and Earth Connections with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My blessings to you…

If you’re interested in this post, then my page on Relationships will be equally a good read.

Related Posts The Path Less Traveled, and Love’s True Identity

A Gift to You


image001Whom ever has your heart…
May trust be his anchor, so in his steady emotions, you will know comfort from his integrity.
May he have eyes that see, so from his empowerment, you will see your beauty through his sight.
May he have a mind that understands, so in his flexibility, you can rest in his forgiveness.
May his touch be soft, so you will feel the gentleness of his strength.
May his communications be warm, so when he speaks, you will hear his tolerance.
May his love be straight and true, so from his direction, you will feel secure in his loyalty.
My blessings be with you…

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