Relationships

The love wheel with Montana aventurine and some rose quartz, for love* In relationships there’s no magic pill, no X marks the spot, and no secret pass word to make a relationship automatically work smoothly. Earth is a classroom, and it’s up to you to “want to” pay attention, do your inner work, learn and overcome the lessons, and pass the class.
On this page I share many of my understandings of relationships. Take in what you can, and if it’s over your head… Just let that one go. And enjoy.

NOTES:
* When working on relationships, the one thing to be mindful of is where we create separation. Because once we understand where the mess is, then we know where the healing needs to be, and as partners… Keep talking. Cheating happens faster when we stop talking, so keep that line of communication open. Dare to say what’s on your mind.

* Romance is a chemistry explosion that gives us the euphoria of passionate love, and after a few months of that it shifts into partnership. Most relationships either can’t get past this shift, or die trying to get back to the hot steamy romance.
Everything changes, everything is on it’s way to some place. Real trustworthy love springs from partnership… If you have courage for the adventure.

* “Traditional relationships demand that the other person knows exactly what it is that is needed for the growth and nourishment, without anything ever being said out-loud”. Yet when you want something outside those traditional lines, you have to be the only one responsible.

*If I want different results in myself or in a relationship, I know I have to be different to get something different. I can’t behave the same way and get different results.

There are different schools and teachings that lead one to truth and growth:
* The school of obedience is the most appropriate for Baby Souls.
* The school of “hard knocks” is the most appropriate for Young Souls.
* The school of intellectual pursuit and non-identification is the most appropriate for Mature Souls.
* The school of love is always appropriate and the only school consistently attractive to Old Souls”. –*The Michael Teachings* (book)

*Women carry the emotional issues in a relationship. Women provide emotional nurturing, and know what your needs are before you do.
Men carry the physical issues in a relationship. Men provide and protect physically.
She is the architect, and he is the builder.
She is the vehicle, and he is the motor.

* Men/boys who insist that women care for them hand and foot; cook, clean, raise the kids, and even bring home the pay check… Are men with no fire.
Men who open doors both physically and metaphysically, do all the lifting… Provide loving support for her creative well being, are men with a healthy sacred masculine fire.

*Physical violence in any relationship/marriage breaks trust and creates fear in he/she. Once it occurs, the path to renewed trust is slowed. Trust is the keystone to any functional relationship. Violence in a relationship is an expression of weakness, and the first time it happens you should exit without thought.

* The moment you find yourself in a hole… Stop digging!!! Before life becomes a real mess.

*My thoughts of physical violence provokes a rage within, one to which I don’t wish to confront. Through forgiveness, I find compassion.

*When a woman yields and opens herself to her mate, her surrender must be taken as a sacred trust and respected as such.

*A woman should be supported in all ways. She should not be held back in any form. She should not only be seen as fit for domestic tasks. Some women are unfit for those tasks, they may be better suited for intellectual or spiritual work. However, it does not mean they should not be wives, a wife is not a servant.

A good husband should not abuse his wife/partner physically or mentally. He should take her feelings and interests into consideration at all times, always treating her with the utmost respect. Such a husband will gain the cooperation and affection that comes with a healthy and balanced relationship.
A husband who abuses and who is insensitive to her concerns and sentiments, will find a woman who resents him. His union will be unhappy, and he will find his sky falling.
So a man of wise intellect, an intelligent man will be sensitive and respectful to the needs of his wife. Their union will be a loving one, felt by all those around them.

*We are only limited by the depth of our imagination and the access of our heart’s compassion. Everything is subject to change, what is your compass?

*When a man relates to a woman with the intelligence that she understands, then he has the possibility of having a profound relationship with her. It’s when (he) acts stupid to an intelligent woman does she walk away in total disgust.

Marriage: is a best friend you want to be with All the time.

*Some people are attracted to the fire of romance, while others are more drawn to the partnership of relationships.
There are two kinds of people no matter what your relationship status is: some behave from “the married one”: in being settled and content, kind and generous, looking for ways to connect in deeper and more meaningful ways.
While others respond from “the bachelor”: always searching not quite satisfied, shying away from commitment on any level, a challenge with owning responsibilities, makes excuses why it can’t happen, embraces the short-term.
Beyond that there are two other kinds of people: Those who aren’t “in love” with women or men, they are just interested in their sex; they’re just interested in intercourse. These people are pretty easy to spot, because they’re phony about being interested in who you are. They’re more interested in: “come over to my place, we’ll get to know each other”. They’re more interested in what’s in your pants, then just being friends and finding what’s in your heart.
It’s about learning how to read another person’s intentions.
And then there are those who are fascinated in who you are. They don’t care what you decide to do, they just want to be with you in your company, and where they see sex as a bonus.
Do they own their emotional issues, or do they dump them onto you, and make you responsible for their unhappiness? These are valid issues you want to be clear on, before saying “I do” on any level.

*Whatever you did to win her heart, to keep her, you have to keep doing “that”.

*Most people really don’t know themselves, so they’re not plugged into what their needs are moment by moment. The emotional holes that we have in ourselves, are ones that can ONLY be healed or filled by ourselves.
Most (not all) women have a hidden imprint fantasy from childhood, of the man fulfilling each and every need that they may have. Most women choose not to look at this, because it requires them to look at themselves, and to acknowledge in themselves that they are a little imperfect. This belief system creates incredible chaos in relationships, because it in itself creates non-breathable space.
Women that are able to know just what it is they need moment by moment, and can ask for it by name are keepers for men that can also do the same. This knowledge that is an active ingredient for both partners, creates a relationship of bountiful blessings.

Package vs personality: when I meet someone for the first time, my heart seeks to connect with the quality of who they are… The person behind the mask, then I connect with the physical. Someones looks will change over time, yet the inner self is more consistent, and in fact gets better over time.

I Get It:
In a relationship, the stronger the physical attraction is, the stronger the karmic lesson will be. The physical attraction [chemistry] was designed by God to keep us with that person, so they could help us push through our darkest issues. Because if I truly knew of the pain I’d go through with this person, then I’d run from the room screaming!!! Yet the strong physical attraction holds me steady, so the lesson can unfold.

* If you want a man/woman of quality, become a person of quality. If you want a loving mate, be in a loving place in your emotional life. And of course use your discernment, just because you’re in a good emotional place, doesn’t mean the first one to come along is the right one. Choose wisely.

Cheating
If you’re in a committed relationship or marriage and you have an affair without the consent of your spouse, karma is created; spiritual debt… If I have sex with Lisa who is married to Nick, I create karma with not only Nick, I create it with Lisa as well. The debt paid may come in a variety of forms, and Not always a good thing.
When you’re the one who’s been cheated on, even if you resolve the issue through communication, these emotional feelings can burn for a long time in the unkempt corners of our spiritual psyche, and can come boiling up latter. When one betrays our trust in this way, it shakes us to the core. So much so that, that shock wave shatters our spiritual psyche. Most people will say that they forgive and in time that may be the case, however, it takes a LOT of inner emotional work, healing and growth to overcome this event. If we pay attention to the way we use our words, and how we react when our emotions get stretched, it will show itself and give us a path to follow in the healing. If unresolved, this emotional energy Will seek an expression, and often times manifest in the body. A heart attack is unresolved emotional issues dealing with heartbreak, take time in between relationships to process all the experiences.
The weight of a vow registers in our spiritual psyche in a similar reflection that the Divine is absolute; that our spouse is absolute [I absolutely trust my spouse in a similar fashion that I absolutely trust God] . So when we get shaken to the core, this is what’s being affected.
Only a dysfunctional ego wants to make this act okay. Everything that creates disharmony anywhere is caused by the ego. And the way back for either side is simple, “what am I going to do today that is positively different from yesterday”, everyday. The Cave of Darkness
Attraction starts from what is seen and heard, and that triggers the chemistry in our bodies that give us the feelings of attraction. For most people, when the attraction is mutual between two people, often they feel they have no control, and must have. This is largely a byproduct of not learning the navigation of emotions. And I realize not everyone is here for that experience.

To love with balance
Puppy-love or that hot steamy magnetism and chemistry brings us together in a very strong and powerful way. The intensity of this connection creates an environment in which we want to be together ALL the time, share everything ALL at once, and feel the excitement that this one person will fill ALL your needs. This is what the intensity of romantic love blinds us with, and if we want a balanced, healthy and meaningful relationship, we will find paying attention has its rewards. So all that “together time”, and all that “shared experiences”, and all “your needs from them”,  ALL that is coming from the extreme. To bring meaning into a meaningful relationship, is acting from clarity with balance. That balance is time together, time apart. Shared experiences with your spouse, and shared experiences with your friends. And not ALL needs are met by your spouse/partner, some are met by friends and some by outside activities.
Couples that have very successful relationships understand this. He has his bedroom and she has her bedroom. He has a shop for his creations, and she has her studio where she can be creative. A hot tub for ladies night in, and a movie room for guy’s night in. Having a desire for depth in relationships, sometimes means creating the environment that supports it.

The dating game
It’s a game people play, mostly men. Women don’t date, the moment she gives up a way for him to contact her, the relationship has then started for her. Internet dating was a concept that was created by men, it was a way for people in cities to meet, now it’s a way for people to have sex with multiple partners without real commitment.
If dating is a sensitive subject for you this may help. If your plugged in and paying attention to your intuition or gut feeling, you’ll Know the outcome shortly after meeting them. The “key” is to follow and act on those feelings. If not you will most likely land in a pile of it.
How eager is he to get into your heart? Or is it your pants he wants to get into? Does she pay attention to the quality of who you are and your history, or does she Always want something from you?
Paying attention to Red Flags [something that doesn’t feel quite right], and feeling deserving of something wonderful is the key. Feeling deserving and setting our standards around that, brings in a higher quality. “God brings to you a mate, of the value that you feel for yourself”.
If you’re dumped, it’s their loss and you’re not meant to be with them. How they exit from their last relationship, is the quality of relationship your going to have with them. So your on your first date, and your sharing your story, casually ask them “how did you leave him/her”? And you will know the quality of relationship they know how to give. Did they just walk out, was there a lot of resentment expressed, or were they able to express their deep gratitude in all that was shared. Set your standards and stick firm to those principles, until the person that respects those principles comes along.
Sex is a bonding agent; the Velcro experience, it’s how the emotions get invested. It’s when we choose to think with our intuition instead of our chemistry, that creates the clarity and balance in our experiences.

Break-ups
I see people going through one relationship after another, and dealing with the hardship of break-ups. In my perspective, each person I’m with has something to teach me and or help me through. Relationships in this day and age aren’t meant to last, because through each relationship we process a piece of life with that person, then we move on to the next. We’re not meant to process it all with just one person. So when it comes to break-ups, it’s been my long time practice to be gentle. This person has just helped me in an amazing way, and I have SO much to be thankful for. So at the end of most relationships [not all women allow me the time to be thankful], I take time to verbally express my gratitude. And in doing so, there’s gentle closer. Most of the women I’ve dated [going back to grade school] still talk to me, and I’m sure this has something to do with it.

A lesson I learned a while ago and happy to share it with you…
When I lose myself in a relationship; when I put the other person ahead of myself so-much-so that I forget who I am and what my dreams where, and she becomes the reason for everything I do. I’ve then given to her a sacred part of myself. The tearing in a heartbreak, is when she is walking away with that part of myself.
To avoid this gut-wrenching experience, I strongly urge you to support the wholeness within yourself [wholeness; self-love, self-loyalty, following one’s own interests, having healthy boundaries, being a complete person first – then coming together], while also connecting to both her passions and yours. So by keeping whole [complete] in yourself, there’s not much to be ripped away. The ripping feeling in a break-up, is us responding from fear and believing in the ego, that there is separation. When we listen to the Spirit and stay connected to responding through love, we find there is NO separation [love doesn’t experience separation, what has changed are the conditions of the relationship], and a more gentle release from that person.
Here’s another way to look at it: You have a job and bank account, he has a job and bank account, and separately you have a joint account together. Your account is for your self-love, self-trust, his account is for his self-love, self-trust and your joint account is for the overflow of love you share. So if and when the relationship comes apart, you’re not reduced to total rubble, because your account is still full. Being whole within yourself first; your self-loyalty comes first, and when your self-love over flows then come together as a couple. Practicing boundaries is a wonderful way to bring healthy balance to any relationship. It’s also an ingredient by which finding wholeness is exciting. Having healthy boundaries and being whole within yourself first, you don’t get knocked off-balance by your partner’s issues, so when he crashes emotionally, he won’t take you with him, and you can better connect to that which resolves the issue.

In any case, just know that everything they do or say is all about them. Demands upon you are simply their need for change in themselves. So don’t take anything personally as they figure themselves out.

A lot of people say we don’t have a choice in who we fall in love with. I say it is the power of your will to follow the course of your own heart. Lack of will-power is just lack of personal responsibility. That’s why we make the other person responsible for our unhappiness, because we lack the will-power to do so for ourselves.

Marriage
So you chose to marry a man who doesn’t understand you very well, and you thought that over time he would learn to see you the way you see yourself.
One of the points I express on this site in the arena of relationships, is if he doesn’t see and understand you in the beginning within the first 3 dates, then it’s not in him to understand you in this light. This has to do with his personal development and personal growth. You have already flowered and are now flourishing, he is still in the bud, and I’m sorry to say you can’t force him to catch up.

Most people today are reactive in relationships, instead of being active in finding a meaningful relationship. They fall in love, then when the relationship takes a turn that is unfavorable, they react… in frustration, in anger and in guilt.
Being active in relationships, is taking the time to find the person that has the qualities that are “right, true and important to you”. And not saying yes until they come into alignment with you.

Unfortunately most people who seek change in their relationships, seek it outside themselves. Hoping life will change without them ever having to Do anything about it [not being responsible with your part of the conflict]. All changes that create balance in a relationship, comes from within the self. Being responsible and looking into the mirror at one’s self for the answers can be difficult, however, believe it or not, it is the short-cut. In other words, in a conflict, the only person you can change… Is yourself. And if that is not enough, step away from the person and out of the situation.

* If you want a relationship that’s deeper than a puddle, you’ll need the courage to venture into those dark corners and challenge those old ways of thinking… You’ll need to challenge the way you see the world. If you want to play it safe, then you will continue to have the quality relationships you’ve been having.
When you say “it’s rude to ask such things before a certain point”, who’s rules are you referring to, are you referring to those who are deeply wounded? Are you looking to continue to have relationships with those people!? Or are you ready to think outside of that box? To change the quality you want, you will have to believe that you deserve more. And once you create such trust within yourself, you will not only have courage you will have the integrity to ask any question of any person at any time.
You deserve the very best life has to offer, and the sooner you grasp this the sooner your life will fly. Empowerment only happens by choice. Daring to peer over the wall, and observing people living in empowerment. By experiencing empowerment we at that point know the difference, and at that point have crossed over… To which there’s no returning.

*The term sacrifice is a man-made idea, God’s intention is that no one should at any time sacrifice anything ever.

*When we love ourselves more than another person can, we learn our value, and that value becomes the standard by which all following relationships are navigated. [It’s not about self-righteousness, it’s about bringing in a prospective of personal balance.]

Notes:
* The first thing we should be looking for in a possible relationship is, do they speak our spiritual language? Because as of now, the most of us do the mating dance backwards. We make sure everything else is in place first like sex, money, family, and when that all lines up perfectly the last to come along is… “Do they speak my spiritual language”? And if for any reason that doesn’t line up, it is always a deal-breaker. So why not turn it around, and look for the spiritual part first. Because when we share our daily experiences with our lover, we do so using our spiritual language, and there’s no greater feeling to look at your lover, and know that they “get” you [completely understand you].
This may not seem very important when your young, however, when we get older and settle into those “more refined details of life”, it may become a valid issue.
* It’s amazing how one decision ripples into another…

Love is friendship a-blaze.

Alison Armstrong’s work is another amazing resource for balance in relationships, understandmen.com in her menu bar click on Free Stuff, share this with your partner, share with a friend, and enjoy. Alison addresses relationships through our instinctual behaviors.

The five flirting styles, by Jeffrey Hall
* Physical flirting involves the expression of sexual interest through body language. People who scored high in this form of flirting often develop relationships quickly and have more sexual chemistry with their partners.
* The polite style of flirting focuses on proper manners and non-sexual communication. While polite flirts are less likely to come on to a potential partner and generally do not find flirting flattering, they tend to have longer, more meaningful romantic relationships.
* People with the playful flirting style flirt with little interest in romance. Flirting is fun and a boost to their self-esteem. They flirt for its own sake – no romantic strings attached.
* Sincere flirting involves creating an intense emotional connection and communicating sincere interest. Sincere flirts have meaningful romantic relationships that put emotional connection first and sexual chemistry second.
* Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men. By taking a more passive role in dating, women with this style are likely to report trouble getting men’s attention and are less likely to be direct. Likewise, traditional men often know a potential partner for a longer time before approaching them.

The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman
* Acts of Service… Doing chores, running errands, or fixing her car, building flowerbeds, doing something special just for them.
* Quality Time… Special, set aside time. A night out on the town, a weekend without the kids…
* Words of Affirmation… Saying loving and encouraging things, saying “I love you” often. Constant reassurance and compliments.
* Physical Touch…  Holding hands or giving massages. Anything that would be as a loving, healing touch.
* Gifts… Bringing flowers, something special just for them, and just for the sake of giving.

For more in depth information check out Alison Armstrong’s work on “Relationships”, go to http://understandmen.com/ at the top her Home page in the menu bar click on Free Stuff. This is best done with your partner, so you can stop the video and have a discussion about it’s topic.

May love’s bountiful bliss be along the path you follow.

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